Letter to the Editor: ‘Artistic merit’ will be ‘catastrophe’

Lazarus Long, The Yank

Greetings and salutations once again our many friends at Talon Marks.

Me (Lazarus Long) and the Yank are now in the 11th hour and still ready to open our exposition: The Cerritos College Open Campus Graffiti Gallery.

We are expecting this to be a massive failure of both preventive measures and an even more ghastly catastrophe of artistic merit.

Before we do, we’d like to address the legal issues of our works.  The following is a reproduction of California Penal Code 594:

594. (a) Every person who maliciously commits any of the following acts with respect to any real or personal property not his or her own, in cases other than those specified by state law, is guilty of vandalism:

(1) Defaces with graffiti or other inscribed material.
(2) Damages.
(3) Destroys.

Now first let us deal with the word “malicious”. It is defined as “intending to do harm.”

As we have said before, none of our works is designed to do harm to either property or the mental state of any possible persons within viewing range of our works.

If anything, we are attempting to entertain and make the public think about what “vandalism” really is.

Plus, how can you indentify malice? If malice is a crime, we ask that everyone within the United States of America is placed within prison.

The next three words, “deface,” “damage” or “destroy” all means roughly the same thing but are placed in by lawmakers so that a common man attempting to read this penal code will be confused.

Luckily, nervous system sensors in non-human organisms, such as myself, are not so easily fooled.

As stated before, our graffiti works are specially designed so that “defacement,” “damage” and “destruction” do not occur.

Any of these three Ds though can occur if you do not remove our works properly.

If any of the three Ds do occur while you are removing our works, then legally speaking you are held accountable as we are not involved in the removal of our product.

We shall also point out that our graffiti works specialized system that allows this respectful vigilance of property is environmentally friendly.

The material can be recycled, and we ask that when you do dispose of our works that you make sure they’re sent off to recycling facilities.

California Penal Code 594 is quite daunting, and in our reading of it, we have found that our works do not fall into any possible method of prosecution of it because we are not malicious organisms out to deface, damage, or destroy property.

If we can be proven wrong and a means of communicating this to us effectively can be done, we do solemnly swear to stop our campaign of as benevolent organisms out to renovate, refurbish, or reinvigorate property.

Once again we’d like to thank you, TalonMarks, for so graciously acting as a distributor of our notes to all possible outlets here on campus and wish you would continue your distribution so that our legal reasoning is known campus-wide.

Attached on the back is our manifesto, which you may print.

If you decide not to print our attached manifesto, there will be absolutely no repercussions, as we respect the right for state ran organizations to or not to print the materials of what “Alex” called “would-be jokers.”

Too bad we’ve no clue what they would look like.

I was born in a crossfire hurricane.

I howled at my ma’ in the driving rain.

I was raised a toothless, bearded hag.

I was schooled with a strap right across my back.

I’m worth a million in prizes.

With my torture film.

Drive a GTO.

Wear a uniform.

All on a government loan.