Skateboards on campus should go away

Denny Cristales

Did you know that there are an estimated 10, 000 reports of skateboard douchebaggery every year? It’s true!

This is all according to me – your average adult who despises all things teenager.

At least it seems that way, anyway.

Look, I hate skateboards. I mean, I hate them. They are obnoxious and loud and I hate how people ride them on campus.

I have no rational inclination, besides the reasons I just listed, to hate skateboards, either. It’s just something that irks me. I’m convinced I have a phobia. Or a lust for blood for all things wood. (Save your “that’s what she said” jokes, you poser.)

Something about some random guy carelessly swerving left and right, dodging us students on campus like traffic cones, just boils up a caveman instinct inside of me.

Let me paint a scenario that happens far too often to me.

I’m walking along to class minding my own business, (Insert whistles here) when I hear the swift, plaguing sound that is wheels rolling along the cement floor, creeping behind me, going toward my general direction.

And each time, I hear that sound get closer and closer and closer, until that guy finally zooms past me and gets to whatever it is that a skateboarder needs to get to. (Of course it’s not class, he rides a skateboard.)

I cannot tell you the contempt I feel for that man right then and there. I cannot convey to you the temptation I get each time this happens to me to just stick out an elbow and pop the guy right on his chin.

And I don’t want to be that guy. For all I know, the guy riding his skateboard could be one of the finest chaps I know. I could get to know him and we could be the best of friends.

But he rides a skateboard. So, in theory, it’s like he murdered my dog.

I’ll admit it, I’m 20 years old and I can’t ride a skateboard. Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. But it is not the reason why I hate the thing!

Quite the opposite, I feel quite sophisticated at the fact that I can’t. Almost like a rare species, if you will. Consider yourself special if you can’t ride one, either.

I cannot tell you why I hate skateboards so much. It baffles me just as much as it probably baffles you. Maybe you’ll read this rant and you’ll conclude that there is some sort of Freudian philosophy attached to my irrational hatred to this wooden board on wheels.