The Envelope, a podcast: Love & Sex – The art of winning the break-up

Monique Nethington: We’re here on The Envelope with (multimedia editor and columnist) Benji Garcia and Jenny Gonzalez (opinion editor) and my name is Monique Nethington (sports editor); and I’m the girl that you see in all the pictures for The Envelope, wearing the same green jacket all the time-

Benjamin Garcia: Sunglasses-

Monique: Sunglasses and cigarette; everything that is pretentious, and brooding and tortured-soulful that you can have.

Jenny Gonzalez: Which is essentially the college experience.

Monique: You have to win the break up, it may sound unhealthy but it is not unhealthy. Yes you have to wallow, but not for too long, don’t do it for too long because then you’re just pathetic. Sorry to be harsh but you’re gonna be pathetic. You take a day, the longest you can do is maybe two weeks. Not to completely wallow in self pity and sit in your room and get fat. The amount of wallowing should be proposition to how you were in a relationship. Don’t wallow over somebody you were with for three weeks, that’s ridiculous. If you were with someone for years, it takes a while to get over that. You have to self-reflect, think about the things that were good, think about the things that were bad.

Benji: Watch Titanic, read a sad poem…

Monique: Do all the cliche cheesiness that you wanna go through. Go through it, who cares. That is totally fine. Just don’t lose yourself in the break up, because then you will lose the break up, you need to win the break up. You need to be pretty. You need to go out. Have guys or a girl, whichever. Whatever you wanna do. Whatever tickles your fancy – tickles your pickle. Go out have someone buy you a drink. If you’re a straight dude, go buy a girl a drink – see what happens. That’s fine. Workout. Eat healthy. Work on your skin. Work on your tan. All the shallowness to make you feel pretty on the outside, again. Once you start doing all these proactive things, you slowly start to feel good about yourself on the inside.

Jenny: Exactly.

Monique: As shallow as the whole thing may seem. It actually helps. Because then you win the break up and then you feel so much better about yourself. And look back on that relationship and you’re like what the hell was I with you in the first place. Cause why? I think about this guy, in high school, for two years. We’re still really good friends because we dated when were 15 and we’re really close. But, sometimes I’ll have a conversation with him and I’m like, why was I with you? Like you’re kinda dumb. You’re not really smart. I need a person of substance and you’re kinda not. You just gotta do that but don’t let other people…like as much as it helps to talk crap about on the ex kinda helps, at the same time kinda doesn’t. I don’t wanna hear anything more about him. You don’t need to talk crap about him anymore. I get it you didn’t like him. Don’t tell me to just get over it. Don’t ever tell somebody to get over something because it’s not that easy. Unless it’s just like a month relationship then just get over it because you guys were obviously just boning.

Jenny: You also have to like if anyone is rushing you. It’s fine, you know you’re broken up and your friends are telling you ‘let’s go have a drink’ and you’re not ready for that, don’t do it. Because, you’re gonna kick yourself.

Monique: Go out and have fun but if you wanna leave, leave. If you definitely don’t feel ready for it, don’t go out.

Jenny: Exactly. You’re only stunting that recovery process.

Monique: If you go out before you’re ready, all you’re gonna do is think about your ex.

Jenny: You’re gonna make mistakes.

Monique: You’re gonna have sex with someone, who really just don’t wanna have sex with.

Jenny: You’re gonna call your ex back.

Monique: You’re gonna get really drunk and you’re gonna call your ex and you’re gonna be crying on the phone…

Monique & Jenny: “I miss you.”

Monique: “I love you.”

Monique, Jenny, Benji: Don’t be that person.

Jenny: You’re stronger than that. You are stronger than that.

Monique: That’s a new hashtag, “Don’t be that person.”

Jenny: Exactly.

Monique: Hashtag, “Don’t be that person.” Just saying.