The Envelope, Love & Sex: Nine circles of hellish dates

Benjamin Garcia

Single and non-single people alike and becoming mentally ill with the prospect of having to suffer another Valentine’s Day. We have barely shaken off the capitalism-ridden Christmas spirit when we are met with another damned commercial holiday.

Besides that, we have all have been through hell with a date that just didn’t go the way we had hoped and hindsight is 20/20. So that you can watch out for fuckboys trying to waste your time and I can masturbatorily use my so-called “pretentious” writing style, I have compiled nine deal-breakers and red flags that tell you “all hope abandon, ye who enter here!

  1. Lack of self-awareness is damning. If a person does not dress in a way that commands respect, that’s a sin. I have seen harem pants that have crotches hanging between the knees; let’s be reaI, they don’t need to be that low; it looks like your diaper’s full. I can’t tell you what to do (unless you’re into that sort of thing), but if you come to school dressed like a minion from Despiciable Me, it should come as no surprise that people laugh at you. If a person flaunts designer clothing constantly, that person is a douchebag. If a person poses in pictures with expensive alcohol, that person is an alcoholic douchebag. If a person does all three at once, they missed their calling of drag racing.
  2. If it’s a Tinder hook-up, I suppose the only rule is to abide by the code of honest advertising as defined by the Better Business Bureau and not catfish. However, if you are looking for something meaningful, buyer beware. Do your research. It is alarming if a person has no references or reputation. They could be a killer or a ghost.
  3. Without sounding elitist, it is undesirable if the person you’re practicing emotions on has little direction in life or at least considerably less than you. I knew a girl who dated a hobo for nine months; he was anti-choice, she had transferred from Cerritos College to Cal State Long Beach and was a 4.0 grade average student; it was a mess. In the end she was paying his bills while he was degrading her out of jealousy for were she was in life.
  4. Interests are an outward expression of character. If someone brags about their hobbies, it might be that that person is self-righteous. If the person in question is worth the effort, they will have a wide collection of substantial interests such as impactful literature, acts of charity and making one’s self stronger in some way. If this person collects useless things like dolls or mugs, it might mean they are toxic because the acquisition of such stupid things is a sign of greed. Whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster, and whomever dates cosplayers should see to it that she or he does not become a cosplayer. If your Grindr crush mentions his Disneyland annual pass in his bio, he’s a thottie and so are you!
  5. Having poor communication skills is not just about speaking clearly, although it is important to hold a conversation. It is also about how you represent yourself. You need to keep a sincere conversation going. Don’t make puns through a serious talk about 9/11, good jokes only.
  6. Everyday a certain friend of mine comes to school dressed as though she is from the last century, in rockabilly fashion. Naturally, she attracted a man who did the same but also acted as though he were from the last century. On one particular occasion, I witnessed her now former boyfriend bitch about the pro-choice movement; citing his feelings (ew) and his religion (yawn) as reasons for his desire to oppress people on the basis of whether or not they have a uterus capable of conceiving an unwanted pregnancy. Just yesterday my friend said to me “he was sexist, ignorant and only wanted one thing from me.” Avoid people whose fundamental values are opposite of yours or those with no values.
  7. If they says something like “I love you so much, I’ll never hit you,” you best believe you’re going to be walking out of that relationship black and blue. Sometimes ugly habits are easy to pick up on early in the affair. If his teeth are never clean, dump him! Gingivits is contagious. If you tell them upfront that using racial slurs is a deal breaker and they make a face, you might as well just never talk to them again. Don’t date someone who wears camoflauge, they want the south to rise again. If they feel uncomfortable with talking about sex with you, they will be uncomfortable with you talking about the sex with others. Why else do we have sex if not to brag about it later?
  8. “Screw ’em if they can’t take a joke” as my bubbie used to say. If they wear low crotch harem pants and get offended when you ask for three wishes, that’s a deal breaker. If they don’t like your pointers on speaking Yiddish (you achieve the accent by prentending that there’s a penny in the back of your throat) that’s a deal breaker. If they don’t appreciate your comparison of Ryan Secrest to a homosexual prarie dog, that’s a deal breaker.
  9. Don’t date a player. They are inherently disloyal. Period.