American holidays are WEIRD.
On the fourth of July we celebrate our independence with colorful explosives and barbequed meat.
On Halloween we dress up little kids as dead people and send them around to our neighbors begging for candy.
On Valentine’s Day, we celebrate our love. It sounds like the most normal holiday of all, because nothing is more natural and normal than love.
In fact, love is so natural and normal that having one day a year set aside to celebrate it makes me kind of suspicious. Why are we celebrating our love for one another on only one day? Shouldn’t we show our girlfriends/boyfriends that we love them everyday?
So I did a little research to find out exactly who this St. Valentine guy is and why he has a whole day of love devoted to him.
I found out that no one knows who he is. Not even the history channel’s website can tell you.
Which leads me to believe that Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark. They had a lull between Christmas and Easter card sales so they called up Hershey’s and together created a new holiday.
Pretty soon 1-800-flowers got in on the act and now once a year guys are forced to spend way too much money to prove their love to their girlfriends.
Their girlfriends are probably faking that they like the gifts anyway, because face it, if you let a guy buy jewelry without help from you, itÃs going to be tacky.
And candy rots your teeth and makes you fat, especially those one-pound boxes from See’s. Flowers die and cards are overly sentimental, not to mention that they’re not even written by the person that bought them for you.
If you’re single on this day, you’ve really got a bad deal. Having to watch all the happy lovebirds kissing everywhere you go, having to listen to all your friends’ romantic plans, if you don’t feel like a loser at the beginning of the day, you will by the end, just wait.
So just make the best out of a bad situation, whether you’re single or not. Boycott the whole holiday and everything related to it. Wear black, listen to Bikini Kill, visit heartless-bitches.com, don’t order a raspberry white mocha from Starbucks, don’t hold anyone’s hand, look for ripped up valentines and smashed flowers in the gutter. Do it all because Valentine’s Day sucks.
