The Envelope: Abolish Christmas and free the people

Benjamin Garcia

People across this great nation generally have their panties in a bunch over The Mall of America’s decision to feature a black Santa Claus for the wholesome Christmas tradition of taking pictures of young children sitting on a strange older man’s lap. “Naughty” indeed.

I for one, don’t care what race this materialistic puppet happens to be displayed as; however since white people brought capitalism to the Americas, perhaps conservatives are justified in demanding that Chris Kringle be shown as Caucasian- in order to give credit where credit is due.

Besides that, it is likely that this mall only made their Yuletime figure-head a black man in order to lure in business from people of color and white people who support these neo-liberal devices as a means of proving to their peers that they are not racist.

While this is a petty incident being blown completely out of proportion by people on either side who have too much time on their hands, it does highlight a much larger issue, I think- which is the corporate hijacking of a once religious holiday. Well, I suppose it is actually the transition from one religion to another.

The reason Christmas is such a prominent holiday in the West is because it combines two of the three ominous powers used to suppress the many: overly zealous Christianity and unchecked capitalism (the third is being testicularly abundant).

Because I am against safe spaces, I encourage saying “Happy Holidays” to extreme conservatives who subscribe to the notion that there is actually a war on Christmas. I say “If they want a war on Christmas, we’ll give them a war on Christmas!”

An extreme leftist would say “abolish Christmas and free the people,” in many ways they would be right. Abolishing the commercialism that comes with Christmas would ease the strain on the poor and dwindling middle class who are pressured by the corporate overlords to spend, spend and also spend.

As Christian martyr Thomas More says in Utopia, the acquisition of luxury goods and excess goods will perpetuate the poverty of the many and fatten big business.

This issue is not caused by the greed of the elite alone, saying so would be like handing $1,000 worth of cocaine to a druggie and saying “Here, distribute this evenly amongst your people.”

I’m in no way suggesting that my readers all transform themselves into green mammals and go about impersonating Santa Claus and stealing Christmas from the townspeople.

It is the consumers’ fault too. First, for not using their freedom of speech and demanding legislation against crony capitalism. Second, for being weak-minded and falling into the snares set by those who benefit from crony capitalism. Third, for the mass-production of family pictures during the holiday season- being around family during the holidays is sheer agony!

All I ask is that we go about celebrating the money holiday with a socialistic mindset. Sing songs. Eat treats. Defend your fellow man’s freedom of and from religion. If you give gifts, please make them gifts that are practical and useful.