Cerritos College • Norwalk, Calif.

Talon Marks

The Envelope — Love & Sex: Communist fornication manifesto

Benjamin Garcia

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For some time now, the communist publication, Workers Vanguard has been on campus spreading pamphlets and taking subscriptions.

The front page for No. 1116 distributed on Aug. 25, 2017 featured some pictures from the Charlottesville march and counter protest while they reported stories such as the escalating situation in North Korea, leftists tearing down a confederate statue and prison torture.

But what the Vangaurd sees a staunch lack of is a communist themed love and sex column to inform you on how communists can connect — and in supplement of that, here is a Love & Sex edition of The Envelope highlighting some guidelines for how to be a good comrade in the bedroom.

I have seen many a modern beatnik sporting a plain black t shirt that has the word “sapiosexual” printed on it. First of all, you probably consumed immorally by contributing to capitalism by buying that shirt.

All you “sapiosexual” hipsters need to quit it with the liking to debate about serious global issues for fun, as a form of foreplay or as a criterion for someone to be involved with you. Czech your privilege, man!

Here is what you sound like: “I sure do love having political debates; this is my hobby; it’s so intellectually stimulating; none of these issues affect my well-being; it’s literally just a game to me; the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life was when someone made an ad hominem attack on my argument.”

Second of all, wearing such a shirt is a form of intellectual elitism — and any kind of elitism defeats the point of communism, impeding the possibility for peace through communism.

Just because you got “most likely to succeed” for the superlative of your charter school eighth grade yearbook, you are not any more worthwhile (or “worth wild,” as one Kim Berling once coined in an interview) than a person with special needs.

Here’s another helpful tip: The only ethical consumption under capitalism is felatio.

When having intercourse or committing to a less involved sex act, of course consent is important: but you don’t need to kill the vibe to ask if your partner or partners “feel safe” with whatever you are inflicting on them.

Side note: Leftists need to quit with this “feeling safe” bullshit. If you are inside your partner or vice versa and you can’t tell if they are uncomfortable, you might be a sociopath; it’s poor phrasing for such a primal act; and sex is art, and art is never safe.

There is a sexy way of asking for permission to do whatever nasty thing you are trying to do; the easiest way to be both Democratic and suave about this matter is whispering in their ear: “you like that shit,” in your best chunti voice.

Another way, though you have to commit to it more, is saying something along the lines of “you want this (sex organ)?”

Or you can rephrase that in the form of a statement, “I want to (sex act) with you?” Their reaction will tell you if you should move forward.

Remember, orgasms are only good if everyone gets them — you get extra points if you choreograph your orgasms to happen in sync.

Even in a classless society, a lady doesn’t kiss and tell. Make sure that your partner(s) are comfortable with you talking about your mutual sexual experiences with people who were not involved as a form of courtesy.

Of course, the decision is up to you; and you know what is best for you — but do what you can to allow your partner(s) be as safe as possible.

That includes using any form of protection that they request; if condoms aren’t your thing, you can kindly go to entertain someone else who isn’t afraid of disappointing their parents by bringing home AIDs.

Socialized condoms are available at any time for you to pick up from the Health and Wellness Center on campus.

Sex work is 100% kosher with communism, especially anarcho-communism; but it is never okay to only be dating, sexing or marrying anyone for money unless they are aware that that is what you’re doing. Do not exploit people.

Lastly, here is a rule of thumb: revolutionary change can only ever come from bottoming (bottom up).

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Cerritos College • Norwalk, Calif.
The Envelope — Love & Sex: Communist fornication manifesto