The Envelope: Jew explains Christmas

Benjamin Garcia

It’s not very often that Hanukkah falls this close to Christmas, which might make Jews living in the pain of the diasporas fearful of looking like a schmuck for ignorance of the holiday. So I have prepared a brief explanation of Christmas for those who are celebrating the eight nights of Hanukkah and going to Christmas parties afterwards.

Goyish Christmas is totally different from Jewish Christmas. For example, Goyim sit at a really long table and bicker- which as pleasant as it sounds, is no match for Jewish Christmas. We just get chinese take out and catch a movie.

Christmas is celebrated by Christians as the day their messiah was born in a schlocky barn, while kings and shepherds watched.

Then everyone gave the virgin Mary gold, frankincense and myrrh. I think Mary probably felt jipped by receiving this fakakta instead of something useful, like a pen-set.

After that the Blue Men Group played their drums while angels sang. And there was a pine tree there too, or something.

Traditionally, it is observed by kvetshing about both politicians and the working class- which was carried over from the Jewish tradition.

It is also the day that goyim ritualistically sacrifice a virgin under the mistletoe to Santa Claus in order to receive the presents they wished for. Then they all put on ugly sweaters and matching pajamas as atonement for their sins.

Other festivities include going to their pork room- every gentile house has a special room to keep ham and roast beast in- and eating for twelve days straight.

A third meaning to Christmas is the commemoration of all those who gave their service to help build hell- by decorating their houses in fire hazards such as dead trees, little electric lights and other meshuggahs; and by roasting chestnuts which occasionally explode.

Jews can assimilate into Goyish society by wearing Santa Claus hats and bells. For my fellow Jewtinos- keep eating biscochitos, it’s working.

Join hands with the gentiles around the Christmas tree and sing inarticulate Christmas carols. And most importantly, do not be reticent of Christmas bonuses that could help save crippled little boys’ lives.