The Envelope, Love & Sex: New Year, new boo

Benjamin Garcia

I was astral projecting into my ex-boyfriend’s dreams to inflict chaos and terror in a place where I can’t be punished. All of a sudden the wisdom of a thousand years flooded into my brain like a tidal wave into an extra small bikini cup, ripping it right off instantly; all because I got a new perspective.

No tea, no shade but the mind of an irrational person can be a scary thing; still I suppose it is not so strange for someone to act out of jealousy.

I’m not one of those jerks who says things like, “maybe you need to be the one before you meet the one,” “love yourself before others” and other meshugaas, they are the same mavens that utter the condescending “I don’t need New Years Resolutions to change my life.” What a bunch of Arthurs!

Besides it being year that a certain Cheeto takes office and begins his reign of terror, I see 2017 as the time we all finally seek out the companionship we deserve; if your New Year’s resolution is to find someone, I’ve come up with a list of cumulative concerns.

If you are looking for a friend with benefits:

  • Don’t have sex with a virgin. They’ll ask you why you’re laughing.
  • Have your F.W.B. give you their S.T.D. stats from a test no older than six months. Remember, you are what you eat.
  • Look for someone who will act with altruism and mutuality. An F.W.B. is
    very much like a Facebook friend, you hardly know them and they are not a friend.
  • Be yourself and have fun.

If you are trying to start a romantic thing:

  • Smile, wave, douse yourself in pheromonesnaturally attracting the preferred sex to you. If you are not cute you can do other things that make you attractive like developing a talent or skill, as a last resort be funny.
  • Look for someone with the same mindset as you. If you are looking for an eventual serious commitment, make that known. If you have a set of ethical deal breakers, don’t keep quiet about them- otherwise you may be disappointment at a later point. For example- if he doesn’t have a foot fetish and you could never love a capitalist, it won’t work.
  • Make sure that you are emotionally prepared to be vulnerable and open, and to deal with other people’s baggage. If you are not, it is unwise to say that you are seeking a serious relationship. If you are pining for a former lover, refer to the previous statement.

If you find yourself wanting to maintain a relationship that was started in 2016:

  • Stay loyal. As a wise man once told me, if it ain’t love it just ain’t enough to leave a happy home.”
  • Spice it up, try experimenting with your foot fetish. Learn new things about each other while respecting what you already know, such as how to communicate with one another and being considerate of each other’s time by avoiding canceling plans and being in the moment.
  • Take a serious step and introduce your partner to your family (if it’s safe to do so).

Do not forget the importance of platonic relationships. No matter how appealing a romantic relationship or a good shtup may be, friends will be there to hear about the problems you get yourself into without the judgment your family might inflict (such as finding out that you have a foot fetish) or the possible complicated emotional atmosphere that might surround your lover.

You might have ignored your friends because of some stupid boy; that was a mistake. The good news is this, “it’s harder to loose a friend than a lover.”

Make time for your friends this year; communicate with them. Make sure they’re doing alright.